Venusberg | That's not your heart, it's a piece of helicopter casing

Sunday, March 13, 2005

I for one welcome our technologically ept masters. A network outage, which causes backup ethical considerations to kick in. Should one at the very least attempt to look busy, in order to avoid discouraging others, or luxuriate in unexpected helplessness and relax with a good book?

Twenty years ago, wanting to be connected constantly to an electronic web that carried the thoughts and desires of others was a Gary Numan album. Now it's a necessity for the active office. Whether that is progress I am not sure.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the world, the followers of the slain Aslan warn that their cause will only become stronger with his death. Well, I think we could all have seen how that would play out.

Myra Connell grew up in Northern Ireland and now works in Birmingham as an Acupuncturist and Zero Balancer.

Unless Myra Connell is the only one, I see no reason for her not simply to be an acupuncturist and zero balancer. Actually, I'm not sure I see any reason for her to be a zero balancer at all, but that's a whole different kettle of tie-dye. Like the word "herstory". I understand the reasons, but it doesn't make my stomach wall any less pitted. Which puts me in the camp of the forces of evil, I realise, but… but the fact that "history" is "history" is etymological accident. It's not like the assumptive chairman, for example. I realise that my feelings about that are probably exactly of the kind of the feelings of somebody who would describe many things I perceive as politeness or simple consideration as bone-gnawingly insane political correctness. A phrase, incidentally, I am prepared to bet money will crop up in the Sun's sterling attempts to throw the gypsy down the well in the days to come.

So, anyway, I was at a women's writing forum – a group of writers talking about their experiences of being women in the publishing industry, which is of course far bigger than the mechanistic process of writing, and which involves the word "herstory" rather a lot. Many of the stories were about battles with publishers, agents and editors. Preethi Nairi recounted with horror that her latest, semi-autobiographical book is currently planned to be put out by HarperCollins with a white, blonde model on the front cover. Another author bemoaned that she could never find her books in shops because all books written by women were published with turquoise covers and pink lettering, presenting a sea of sea-anenome spines to the browser. A teacher of creative writing commented, rather wickedly, that one of the themes of a piece of creative writing she had received was "girls who are hated by their stepmothers, by a student who believes that her stepmother loves her". My favourite moment never happened, unfortunately. A writer, referencing another's stated desire to tell the stories of bad women, responded that she wanted to write not bad women or good women, but real women. "It's a statistical fact that at some time in their lives 50% of all married women" she began, and I prayed that the statistic would be that half of all married women have at some time in their lives not been real. Regrettably, depending on who you ask, it was just adultery.

Meanwhile, a great headline that ultimately leads nowhere: OMAC to work with ISA. Because even the One Man Army Corp needs sound financial advice.

Elsewhere, apparently anytime you make any threat or possess matter involving a school or function it's a felony in the state of Kentucky. This is a pretty awesome piece of legislation. Making threats involving a school is reasonably easy to duck - "I'm going to destroy your school", "I'm going to drop a school on you" - these can all be avoided. Possessing matter involving a school is also not too hard, unless you are a pupil, a teacher or , in which case you are screwed. But possessing matter involving a function? Even limiting our notional functions to the seven characteristic functions of life, that means that anyone found in possession of food, eyes, skin or a bottom is going to be had up on felony charges. How does that get enforced?

And elsewhere again, leadership is about taking difficult decisions, even if they are unpopular, sticking with them and seeing them through.

No it isn't. Leadership is about making good decisions, even if etc. Simple difficulty is not the criterion for the sort of decisions a leader should make, although it might serve to explain why Mr Tony Blair is acting as he is - because he believes that the role of a leader is to make life as awkward as possible for himself and others. Legislation making mandatory the carrying of ID cards containing a picture of the carrier attempting to sex a pangolin can only follow.