Venusberg | That's not your heart, it's a piece of helicopter casing

Friday, January 14, 2005

Humorous yet melancholic article from 1974 on what Christmas will be like in the year 2000, with a cult TV link.

The traditional decorated tree is very unlikely to be a real tree, but will probably be a plastic one, just as some homes already have today. But to make it seem like the traditional Christmas festival, the plastic tree will probably be impregnated with the smell of pine.

If pollution and the effects of the population explosion go on at the present rate, there will probably be very few trees left in the world, and any forests which do still exist will be protected by stringent laws.

They were doing so well until the stringent laws part...

Speaking of protected areas full of wood and wildlife, Thomas Gravesen is to leave Goodison Park. It is, again, an interesting choice - Real Madrid's choices of hard-tackling defensive midfielder have so far encompassed David Beckham and Steve McManaman. It's as if they simply don't understand the idea of a holding midfielder, or possibly cannot quite bring themselves actually to buy one, and so torpedo the ideal of Zidanes e Pavones. Claude Makelele could fit the bill, and was shuffled out of there as soon as this became clear, but who else has really functioned as a holding midfielder for Real? Fernando Hierro? Although the idea of Lee Carsley at the Bernabeu with anything other than a watching brief is quite clearly bonkers, he might actually be more useful at this point.

Speaking of studs-up challenges, Pierre Cardin puts the boot in on modern fashion.

You no longer have the construction of a real silhouette. Before you had Balenciaga, Chanel, Courreges, Cardin ... Of these names, yes Dior still exists, but it's spectacle. It's superb, but it's a spectacle.

Cult TV note: Pierre Cardin created the suits for Steed in The Avengers. For this reason, I have always esteemed it a little above other franchise suit brands. It's odd how arbitrary style decisions can be.

Speaking of irascible old men, Fathers for Justice have once again attempted to demonstrate their suitability as fathers by showing a spirit of easy criminality. The Mouth of Sourgrapes declared the security around Celebrity Big Brother far more impressive than the cordon around Buckingham Palace. This sounds like a shocking indictment, but ask yourself: would you rather see the Royal Family or the cast of Celebrity Big Brother wiped off the face of the Earth by terrorists? It's not an easy choice...

Speaking of security, this is not a problem George Bush will have. In order to avoid the risk of the entire chain of command being wiped out by a single lunatic with a copy of the Constitu- a suitcase nuclear bomb, corporate clients of the Republican Party are shelling out for a whole lot of clowns at little George's birthday party. Has anyone ever successfully a) detonated or b) demonstrated the existence of a suitcase nuclear bomb? Alexandr Lebed's claims were never supported, right?

Speaking of the American dream, this seems like a role made for Tom Hanks. As a follow-up for The Terminal it's brilliant. A likeable main character of ambiguous nationality finds himself, as a result of an administrative blunder, without representation, access to consular services, and lost in a suddenly circumscribed world away from fresh air and natural light. Admittedly, Hanks might want to skip the bits where he gets Bob Flanaganed from both ends to within a centimetre of his life, but we can at least look forward to the outing of two of his school teachers as members of Al Qaeda on Oscar night.

And, speaking of being hooked up to the mains, the Commodore 64 is making a comeback, Megatron-style. Retro-W00T. The triumphant return of Yellow River Kingdom can be but months away.

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