| Monday, December 02, 2002 |
 | It's been a weekend of catching up. Friday, I finally saw Attack of the Clones (where are the clones, there should be clones...), having skipped out on the theatrical release on the grounds that, although those who had seen it fulminated about the last ten minutes, sitting through the previous 120 or so without a cup of tea and a good book sounded like a counsel of madness.
And by God, how right I was. The extent to which this film sucks is almost incalculable to modern science. Barring a bit of kick-ass lightsaber action near the end, there really was almost nothing to recommend it whatsoever, except possibly the growing realisation that Ewan MacGregor was goign to do the funny voice for the whole film. Just...astonsihingly bad. The dialogue seemed to be aimed at children, but the plot was comically overcomplex (not to mention utterly frickin' ridiculous). You only get so many points for having Christopher Lee kick arse. In the end, I could only get through the astonishingly poorly-written love scenes between Limahl and Former Princess Amygdala was by appending "up my arse" at the end of every wooden line reading.
I don’t like sand up my arse. It’s coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere up my arse. Not like here. Here everything’s soft... and smooth..up my arse..
Good to see that George Lucas' grasp on human emotional response is as strong as ever, though. Remember Luke Skywalker looking very slightly upset when he found that his aunt and uncle, who had raised him since he was a child, had been crispy-fried, then agonising for three whole films about a bloke in a bathrobe he had known for about a week? Well, it's back and in full effect here. Having completely ignored his mother for ten years (and I'm sure that the Jedi wouldn't have minded too much if he had, oh, I don't know, BOUGHT HER OUT OF SLAVERY ON EXPENSES), he then gets all "Mommy Dearest" when Lucas needs a bit of a push to the Dark Side (tm).
And the burgeoning affair between Mannequin and Former Princess Medulla Oblongata was just creepy. Partly because of its untimely speed - I figure the gap from first romance to secret marriage must have been about three weeks - but that really only as an element of its emotional improbability. Finding out that a YTS Jedi has been wanking over you every night for the past decade is not likely to fill you with a sense of flattered desire. Much less when the same spunky reprobate is assigned to be your bodyguard. That's right, Senator Pad Thai, we're going to give you the emotionally stunted trainee Jedi with the severe emotional problems, the impulse control issues, and the cum-encrusted copy of "Galactic Princess Monthly". Your safety is important to us.
Jesus. The surprise is not that the Jedi were wiped out, but why it took so long. For further slating, try here.
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