Venusberg | That's not your heart, it's a piece of helicopter casing

Tuesday, July 16, 2002

Cross-stitch my plums....scary news this morning from everyone's preferred late breakfast read, the Prandial Post. Apparently, Barry Sonnenfeld is making a Lemony Snicket movie.This could be very very good or very very bad. He certainly wouldn't be my first choice to direct, although getting Tim Burton in to reprise his "E. Gorey used to be a friend of mine" schtick would be almost farcical.

In fact, now that I think about it, the most wince-makingly obvious directorial and casting decisions for a Series of Unfortunate Events:

Director: Tim Burton, natch. With his penchant for sticky-up hair and swooping camera angles, it's basically either this or John Lydon does Goth Dallas.

Music: Danny Elfman. Ah, Spider-Man. The COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE bodings of menace in the score. The ENTIRELY UNNECESSARY dark tones of the introductory music. The FOR GOD'S SAKE, PEOPLE, HE'S RECYCLED THE BATMAN TITLES NOTE FOR NOTE joy of it. A shoo-in, even if Burton doesn't get the gig.

Viola: Wynona Ryder being at this point the kiss of death, it's down to a straight race between Christina Ricci and Natalie Portman. In both cases, the fact that they are eight years too old will be ignored completely. Like Luke Perry on 90210. Or everyone on the WB.

Klaus: Daniel Radcliffe dubbed by Haley Joel Osment, obviously. What are you, on crack?

Sunny: A massively expensive and utterly terrifying CGI baby.

Count Olof: Ian McKellen. He's not particularly appropriate, but any multi-million dollar adaptation of a popular children's story has by law to support McKellen's quest to burn himself into the collective geek consciousness.

Mr. Poe: Tom Baker. Not quite such a gimme, but the budget's largely been blown on the CGI baby. Besides, somebody has to bring an ounce of class to this farrago. Tom's putting it in now.

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