Venusberg | That's not your heart, it's a piece of helicopter casing

Wednesday, July 11, 2001

A collaborative effort from Jim Finnis, Dave Colter, Mark Slater, Matt Finn, Lee Hill and the wonderfully-named Elly Kelly. Soon there will be fondue and film wackiness parties. Orgies. People will set up wacky film dating agencies. I have seen the future, and it works. In a highly specific sense.

There's Something About Mary Poppins
A singing Nanny joins an English family until an accident with a spoonful of
sugar and some medicine leaves everyone with an embarrassing sticky mess in
their hair.

Three Colours Red Sonja
Three Colours Blue Velvet
Three Colours White Christmas
A trilogy of French arthouse films about relationships, and how this relates
to the colours of the French flag, and the ideals of Liberty, Equality,
Egalite, women in chainmail bikini's, Dennis Hopper on Nitrous Oxide, and
Bing Crosby.

In The Line Of Firefox
An aging US Secret Service agent steals a high-tech Russian fighter aircraft
and uses it to thwart the assassination of the President.

The Unbearable Lightness Of Being John Malkovich
Utterly incomprehensible, your brains will turn to mush if you attempt to
decipher it.

The Invisible Man who fell to Earth
An alien falls to earth - but no-one notices because he is invisible. It is
a very short film (stars David Bowie).

Scream 2001 : A Space Odyssey
The much talked about Wes Craven/Stanley Kubrick collaboration. 20 years in
pre-production, thankfully never finished.

Call Of The Wild At Heart
A stranger than usual David Lynch outing, starring Nicholas Cage in his most
abitious role yet, that of an Alaskan timber wolf called Sailor. He and his
girlfriend cruise around the US, pursued by an array of bizarre characters.
Again, the plot doesn't make a huge amount of sense, but the soundtrack is
terrific. Loosely based on the classic childrens book by Jack London.

Lassie Come Home Alone
Mr and Mrs McCulkin bribe their pet dog with scooby snacks to lead their
annoying little brat of a son off into the wilderness during a camping
holiday. What follows is a rollercoaster ride of hilarious and zany gags as
the plucky pup tries desperately to ditch the little s**t.

Four Weddings And A Funeral In Berlin
Michael Caine returns as Harry Palmer investigating the activities of a
suspected Soviet spy, who's posh accent and floppy hairstyle can only be the
product of a KGB training centre in East Germany. He is eventually
neutralised by Palmers opposite number in the CIA (Andie McDowall), who
marries him, then garrottes him on their wedding night.

Austin Powers, the Spy who shagged Me, Myself and Irene
Cert 18

X-Men in Black
The X-Men are drafted to wear sharp suits and sunglasses and rid the planet
of illegal aliens by using their special powers and rapping abilities.

Earth Girls Are Easy Rider
Three aliens come to earth in order to perpetuate their race, and hook up
with a biker gang on a one way trip to self destruction. The plot makes no
sense at all, but the soundtrack is great.

Carry on Doctor Strangelove
Kenneth Williams stars in three roles in this comedy romp set in a hospital
full of randy nurses and awkward patients. A rogue matron (Hattie Jaques)
goes mad and administers enemas to all the patient on her ward which
triggers a Soviet Doomsday bomb. Sid James hurtles through the ward on a
trolley and crashed through a window, yelling and waving a cowboy hat before
it hits the ground.

Groundhog Day of the Dead
Somewhere in small town america, a group of killer zombie groundhogs
terrorise the local citizens. Everyone is killed and the town destroyed, but
then they all wake up again the next morning at 6am to "I got you
babe" on
the radio, and do it all again!

Sleepy Hollow Man
In his investigation to discover the identity of the headless horseman,
Ichabod Crane develops a method of turning himself invisible. This
unfortunately has the effect of turning him completely psychotic, and he
stalks and kills all the other remaining characters. He eventually teams up
with the headless horseman, thereby leaving the field open for limitless
straight to video sequels.

Henry the Fifth Element
Bruce Willis starts as the Tudor King of England trying to destroy a French
army from Outer Space. A strange young girl dressed only in bandages
appears, but is mistaken for Joan of Arc and burned at the stake. The French
win, and everybody dies.

Black Beauty and the Beast
The straight to video final film in the Black Beauty series, as her career
finally reaches the knackers yard. An ageing King Kong steals the show with
his cameo appearence in the final scene as the ravenous beast.

The Deep Throat.
Where porn actress Buffy Bigapples discovers she can only orgasm when
she is being attacked by giant eels whilst deep-sea diving, or something.

Gone With The Wind In The Willows
Against the backdrop of the burning of Georgia in the Civil War, a group of
loveable countryside creatures (and a Toad) amiably discuss the great issues
of the day over tea and cakes. Toad Hall is destroyed, but Ratty doesn't
give a damn.

House Hunt for Red October.
Where desperate rubber faced comic Lee Evans is drafted into the U.S Navy to
rid their Las-Vegas Class Nuclear submarine of an Evil criminal genius mouse
bent on destroying New york with its arsenal of Nuclear missiles. Sweaty
faced Evans gurns his way through dozens of almost amusing incidents before
the crew team up with the mouse to blast his stupid face out of one of the
torpedo tubes.

The Magnificent Seven Brides For Seven Brothers
Seven brides ride into a small village (in full wedding dresses), in search
of their missing husbands (who happen to be brothers). Unfortunately the
brothers are held hostage by the villagers, and unless the brides help them
to rid the village of the marauding gang of bandits who attack the village
and steal all the crops every year, they will not release them. The brides
train the villagers in the art of armed and unarmed combat. The bandits
attack, a bloodbath ensues, and casualties are heavy. Howard Keel
eventually wipes out the marauders by singing at them. Nobody lives happily
ever after.

It's a Wonderful Life of Brian
An angel called Clarence comes to Brian of Nazareth and shows him what life
would have been like if he *hadn't* been crucified, and he decides not to
go through with it, marries Judith and becomes the world's first insurance
salesman.

The Empire Strikes Back To The Future
Luke travels back in time in a souped-up X-wing, becomes Darth Vader and
fathers *himself*.

Wayne's World is Not Enough
In which Wayne's cable TV station is taken over by an evil dictator, and
Wayne has to use that room full of ninjas training to become a secret agent
and stop the bad man.

Interesting (a) that I no longer have the strength to edit and justify these things, and (b) that people are beginning to repeat.

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