Venusberg | That's not your heart, it's a piece of helicopter casing

Wednesday, July 11, 2001

And still they come - I'm fighting a backlog here. There will, at some point, be a cut-off, possibly when we're down to three hardcore geeks trying to outfu each other. Joe will probably be among those last three.

Lair of the White Palace - bereaved posho Hugh Grant investigates mysterious paranormal goings-on in a branch of a burger chain franchise foolishly
located on a spooky English estate. He is forcibly fellated by demonic waitress Susan Sarandon and then fed to a giant snake that strangely
resembles a dustbuster.

(or)

Lair of the White Mischief - colonial posho Hugh Grant investigates mysterious paranormal goings-on amongst Kenya's wealthy elite. He is
forcibly ravaged on the beach by demonic trophy wife Gretta Scachi and then fed to a giant snake that strangely resembles Charles Dance.

Sex, True Lies and Videotape - super-spy Arnie tries to keep both his real profession and his impotence a secret from his wife and family whilst also
defeating some evil Arabs and watching homemade porn. Once Upon a Nick of Time in America - Johnny Depp's daughter is kidnapped by
Christopher Walken and he is given a terrible ultimatum: kill Robert De Niro, James Woods and every single Jewish gangster in New York, or the kid
gets it. This film takes place over about 60 years and is filmed in real time.

An American Psycho In London - crazed yuppie murderer Patrick Bateman works his way through lots of hapless stereotypical Cockney yokels. The sequel, An American Psycho In Paris, is considered inferior, although it does feature a scene in which Bateman bungee jumps from the Eiffel Tower wielding a chainsaw which he promptly lops off Julie Delpy's head.

How High Noon - upright sheriff Gary Cooper must defend his small town single-handedly from Method Man and Redman, a couple of rappers made
super-intelligent by genetically-modified weed.

Manic Street Preaching to the Perverted - three fat, naive Welsh virgins infiltrate the BDSM scene on behalf of Tom Bell's puritanical MP, only to
find that they quite like pain and leather after all, especially when Guinevere Turner is involved.

A.I, Movie - Kathy Acker, back from the dead as the world's first artificial intelligence, journeys through a surreal and awesome futuristic world
looking for love, acceptance, and the chance to shoot Hemingway with a harpoon gun. Jude Law plays Lacan, a khaki-clad gigolo robot. The ending is
reportedly sentimental guff.

That last is an in-joke.

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