| Wednesday, January 24, 2001 |
 | Now, in general it is, of course, best, if you have nothing good to say about something, to say nothing at all. I know that. I realise that. Am I some cranky shit-flinger? I think not. Those who have met me will contend that I am the sweetest-natured person in the history of creation. I hope you all understand that.
Which is why I want to make clear that what I am about to say is intended as a compliment.
Dead@32 is perhaps the most boring thing I have ever encountered. Not just the most boring website, but the most boring thing ever, including rocks, trees, German police drama, American Football - you name it.
Phenomenally, hypnotically dull. So dull that I can't actually tear myself away from it. The weblog section is dull as the moon at midday, sure, but that in no way prepares you for the incredible, Zen dullness of the breakout articles.
He goes to San Francisco, and makes it sound like Surbiton on a Wednesday!
He crawls deep inside the mind of Sal, the only person he has ever met, and we idly check the train timetables for a bit of hot sexy action!
He obsesses about Sal just a little more (as might you if she were the only person you had ever met), and we fail to stifle a yawn so massive it tears the top of our heads off!
He finally gets to nob Sal, and describes it in such loving but utterly tedious detail, with such a dead, flat tone - We undress and are sitting there naked, turning (sic) each other by squeezing each other's nipples and kissing passionately - that you wonder with mild irritation when he's going to write about something really horny, like counting the hoover bags in the cupboard beneath the stairs and realising that he has one more than he thought!
Still flabbergasted by his good fortune that he should have the opportunity to get nasty with the only person he has ever met, he shares her confessions about youthful dogsex, with a strange misture of icky perversity and utter sexlessness - "Some of the best erotica I enjoy involves women and animals, usually a dog. Why not? I've never done that, but that doesn't mean I haven't fantasized about it. She was afraid it would freak me out, but nope... Not me. If anything, it makes me more turned on!!" - and we appreciate for a moment the perfection of the double exclamation point, before checking how accurate was our attempt to guess how many sites on the Internet use the word "grouting"!
It's a piece of work, and my admiration for it is boundless. Be warned, though, you really will be transfixed. It's a work of exactitude in literature not rivalled outside Tristram Shandy.
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